Driving 101

I think I drive better than everyone else on the road. There, I said it. At least I’m honest. I take after my father. I have the worst road rage if you get in my way. Whether it’s a short distance to the grocery store or a dreaded hour plus commute to Seattle, I take note of every other driver’s horrible habits. I’m going to lay ’em all out. It’ll make me feel better. Reader beware…

Let’s start with the blinker. It’s the little stick attached to the steering wheel. The steering wheel is – just kidding. I’m not that crazed. But it’s clear to me that most drivers do not know what or where their blinker is. I feel psychic – like I can sense when someone is about to come into my lane, turn in front of me or swerve completely out of left field to their exit across my pathway – all without a blinker to signify that they are about to do such a thing. I swear if I had telekinetic powers, I would break that blinker off and shove it up the next idiot driver’s dark abyss that didn’t use it.

Goldie Locks of speed. You know the kind. They speed up, they slow down, they speed up, and they don’t even use their brakes. Don’t worry, I’ll get to the “ride-the-shit-out-of-your-brakes” offender in just a bit. This just happened to me today (it happens to me everyday but today was obnoxiously worse.) I set my cruise control at any chance I get. I wish more drivers would. It would help keep traffic flowing. Frankly, I expect we’d all get to our destinations faster. But no, we have Goldie Lock on the road. So, this morning I merge onto the freeway (using my blinker mind you) and I find a nice rhythm into the flow of traffic and set my speed. I typically pick the second from the carpool lane. Oh, and once I pick a lane – I stay there unless there is just cause to pass someone. Listening to my favorite tunes, focusing on the commute ahead. Then along comes that bitch, Goldie Locks, screwing up my rhythm AND the flow of traffic. There goes my cruise control. Now we’re all over the speedometer map. Not to mention, guzzling up my gas.  And wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I get the nerve to pass her, she speeds up like a rocket ship heading to outer space. One thing my dad has tried to teach me is to not to allow other drivers to control my driving. I have failed at this lesson miserably. Especially thanks to Goldie Locks.

Ride-the-shit-out-of-your-brakes driver. You’re not one of us. You are trying to cause an accident. I just know it. Remember, I’m psychic. You should not be allowed to have your license. Clearly, you are not cut out for driving since all you’re doing is braking. And you, like your friend Goldie Locks, eat my gas up! You need to learn to like your gas pedal – it won’t hurt you. I promise. What will hurt you is my large SUV ramming up your tailgate when you brake for no apparent reason!

And we can’t leave out the driver who waits to the last-minute to merge. This is my biggest pet peeve on the road. I can not stand someone who thinks they are better than others. (I know, I’m a hypocrite. I say from the beginning that I think I’m a better driver than everyone else.) I can’t help it. At least I don’t feel like I’m entitled unlike these other idiots. They think they deserve to get ahead of the rest of us who have obeyed the traffic signs and merged miles ago when we first saw the sign. These morons are the reason for the back up on I5. I wish I could squeeze them off the road like a pimple. Pop those little suckers! On a side note, one time while riding passenger, I witnessed a guy try to do that. I don’t recommend it. A major accident almost occurred involving the car I was in along with several other vehicles. So, I just scold them in my car and let ’em have it. But really, what do they get out of it? A few car spaces ahead of the rest of us. Which really isn’t that beneficial because in Washington no one knows how to merge.

Oh, the merger. I laugh at this. I think Washingtonians can’t merge properly because we’re too nice. We want everyone to go first. If we just grew a pair and merged at the posted speed limit, we’d be just fine. But we’re so cautious and afraid of the no blinker, Goldie locking, ride-the-shit-out-of-your-brakes while waiting till the last-minute to merge driver. Which I guess I can’t blame the merger for.

To sum it up, pay attention drivers. Use your blinkers. Set  your cruise control. Obey the speed limit (which in my opinion is 5 over.) Avoid overuse of your brakes and merge while maintaining the speed limit well before your lane runs out.


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